Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They're both extinct.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller
What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
Why does Victoria have the most lawyers per capita in the country, whereas Sydney has the most toxic waste? Sydney got first choice.
Q - You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?
A - Absolutely! What's the second question?
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-Rev. Jesse Jackson-
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be
jailed for contempt!"
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon,
the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident.
Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were
taken from official court records nationwide...
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
2. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!